fifty shades of grey trailer

The Fifty Shades of Grey global trailer is here, so naturally, it’s time to pick it apart and lick it clean. Here are 10 things we learned from the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.

10. Newspaper reporters are despondent 20 something women who don’t wear a lot of makeup. 

fifty shades of grey

Go to any big city and ask to see their newspaper reporting staff. They’ll all look like miss Dakota Johnson here, all sad and somber like a Glamour magazine “before” photo. She doesn’t wear a lot of makeup because she’s just too caught up in the sad life of newspaper reporting. It’s a very serious job, and so she dresses accordingly, in serious florals. If only there was someone about to come into her life who would change everything.

9. A man with the last name of “Grey” apparently requires that all his employees dress in grey.

fifty shades of grey

Because symbolism.

8. This “Mr. Grey” is really important, because they don’t show his face immediately. He’s a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory.

fifty shades of grey

Or wherever it is he works, who cares. Look at his hands! Yeah, he’s definitely a big man on campus. First they blur his face, then they just show his hand — is the suspense building as dramatically for you guys as it is for me? Just who is this Mr. Grey? Am I allowed to even watch this trailer?

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7. Disappointment comes in many forms.

fifty shades of grey

Seriously? That’s it? That’s what this guy looks like? He looks like a cheery-faced paper boy about to be late for his paper route because he’s trying to earn enough money to buy Pokemon cards, which he still collects, even though the other kids rag on him for it. But he doesn’t care, he’s the best pitcher in little league and everyone knows it! Shouldn’t this S&M billionaire look more like Jon Hamm or something? And less like the kid they cast to play Peter Pan in the school play? Not that he doesn’t make an excellent Peter Pan — he makes the parents cry with his sweet and touching depiction of the young boy who didn’t want to grow up, which the kids again rag on him for — but shouldn’t the role go to a rugged manly man? This kid looks like he wants to do my taxes and then take me out for an ice cream cone.

6. Elevators are crazy-hot and not at all cliché.

fifty shades of grey

The first time this trailer shows these two wayward kids kiss is in an elevator, as a weird version of Beyoncé’s “Crazy In Love” limps along. This of course (having a love scene come in an elevator while an alternate version of a pop song plays), is not at all cliché and is definitely not something that Grey’s Anatomy has done a thousand times. Has anyone ever had a crazy-hot makeout session in an elevator in real life? There’s usually, you know, people in elevators. But I guess since this guy owns the building he fired everyone so he could make out with the news reporter in the elevator, and that’s productivity at its finest.

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5. Warm and/or bright colors do not exist in this world.

fifty shades of grey

Everything in this world is in shades of blue. Blue and…grey. Ohhhhh, I get it! It was almost so subtle I missed it!

4. Eye masks are, like, so kinky.

fifty shades of grey

When he says, “I don’t do romance” and pulls out this eyemask, oh man, you know stuff is gonna get seriously kinky! Like maybe some hardcore XXX naps are gonna happen.

3. You can tell he’s tough, because he flies a fighter jet without context.

fifty shades of grey

Why is the flying this jet? Why is she riding alongside him? Who cares! It’s all about the symbolism. Fighter jets are so hot, man. And totally phallic. That’s probably what this scene is about. It’s clearly all about his penis. Man, I am so glad I took all those film courses in college, I am nailing this trailer!

2. His kinks seem pretty tame.

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fifty shades of grey

For a split second we see this shot, of him petting her with some sort of riding crop or something, and we’re surrounded by warm colors — guys, I think the movie is trying to say that before she met him, her world was cold and monochromatic, but after she met him, he warmed her up and brought passion to her life! Too bad it’s so sublte. Also, what’s up with this — this is an example of this guy’s legendary kinks? This is about as tame as an Applebees commercial. But I guess in a movie trailer, it’s the best they can do.

1. This chick’s waxing appointment seems brutal.

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I mean, yikes. Did they have to strip her down, put an eye mask on her, and tie her up just for a bikini wax? …that’s what’s going on here, right? Right? …guys?

Anyway, that’s all I got. Are YOU planning to see the Fifty Shades of Grey film?

Stills from YouTube.