13 Naughty Chat Up Lines (for a laugh)
In need of some lol-worthy sex chat-up lines to make the subject of your affection take notice? These embarrassingly funny, and little bit dirty pick-up lines are just the ticket.
- Hey, my name’s Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
- Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.
- Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Boyfriend material.
- Did you just come out of the oven? Because you’re hot.
- So we’re friends now, when do the benefits kick in?
- I’m not staring at your boobs, I’m staring at your heart.
- Smile if you want to sleep with me. (And watch them try to hold back their laugh.)
- Hey did you drop something? (Ummm What?) Your standards, Hi I’m Nick
- (Lick finger and wipe on guy/girl’s shirt) Right, let’s get you out of those wet clothes.
- Let’s play Barbie. I’ll be Ken and you can be the box I come in.
- My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
- Let’s have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
- Let’s go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
Drunk Texts You Should Never Send
It’s 1 AM on a Saturday. Do you know where your phone is? You bet your sweet bippy you do, and you’re using it to send some bad texts. You’ve maybe had a few many martinis and you figure, “Hey, if Don Draper had a cell phone, he’d be doing the same thing.” Here are some drunk texts you should never send (but everyone has).
The text: “I Miss You.”
The recipient: Your ex.
A lot of these bad decision drunk texts are gonna involve an ex, because when we’re vulnerable, we like to go back to what’s familiar and comfortable. Look at you, all Draper-drunk, sobbing into your phone, splashing your cracked screen with tears. You know what else is cracked? Your heart. And you think that texting your ex a little “I miss you” will get them fired up to send back, “Me too, let’s get married, I’m sorry for everything.” It’s not gonna work.
On the attack
The text: “You’re a douche.”
The recipient: Your fuck buddy who blew you off.
It seems like a good idea — he blew you off, you’re steamed as steamed hams — why not let him know it? But don’t start a fire just because you like to watch things burn. There’s no reason to do this, especially when you’re this drunk. If you want to address someone who’s done you wrong, by all means go for it — when you’re sober, and less aggressive.
The text: “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey”
The recipient: Your crush.
They say the more “e’s” you use in “hey”, the more you like that person, and the drunker you are. The thing is though, by doing this, you’re showing your cards in a very sloppy manner. It’s totally cool to let someone you like know, but you should do it with pride and finesse. And what is this person going to do with a “Heeeeeeeeeey” at 4 AM? Your thought process is probably they’ll text you right back with, “Hey, I’m falling in love with you, come bang.” But that’s never what happens. What usually happens is they’ll either ignore you because they’re sleeping, they’ll poke fun at you for being drunk, or they’ll text back something like, “uh, hey” which leads to a very awkward text conversation.
The text: “Fuck me now” or “;)” = the symbol for “fuck me now.”
The recipient: Anyone who is single and gave you their phone number.
Such a bad idea! Bad drunk you, bad! You have more dignity than that when you’re sober. Don’t disappoint sober you. Sure, maybe you’ll get laid, but at what price? It’s not worth it. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a drunken hookup, but again, it’s all about the finesse. And also, you need to be choosy about this. But when you’re drunk and lonely, you’ll go for whoever is in your phone. And that’s not sexy.
Things You Should Never Do or Say in Bed
When in bed with someone you shouldn’t….
Freak out because you can’t have an orgasm.
Orgasms aren’t everything. Whether you’re tired, stressed, have had too much to drink or are just mentally psyching yourself out, sometimes they just don’t happen. Instead of panicking, keep in mind that our bodies aren’t machines. Orgasms come (pun intended) when we don’t force them.
Pull a disappearing act.
Even if the sex is casual, leaving the scene immediately after the finale without any explanation bad form. Even if you’re dating casually, it’s important to show respect to the people you’re dating or hooking up with.
Refer to parts of your anatomy using a creepy nickname.
No good can come from this. Just trust us on this one.
Ignore your partner.
Sex is a duet, not a solo – which means it’s about giving and receiving. Tune in to your partner, listen to what they like/don’t like. If you’re not making an effort to connect, what’s the point?
Insult the person you’re with.
This is a no brainer, but people are really vulnerable when they’re naked with another person – be nice! Respect your date.
Tell your partner that you’re disappointed in their performance.
So, the sex didn’t work for you. It happens. Instead of expressing disappointment, talk to your date openly about what DOES please you.
Even if this is true, you might want to keep this one to yourself – at least until you leave you date!
Fail to respect your partner’s boundaries.
Having boundaries and respecting your partner’s is crucial when it comes to sex. No means no.
Race to the finish line.
Unless you’re trying to have the world’s quickest quickie, keep in mind that sex isn’t a race. Enjoy the ride!
You should never do this. Ever.
Why Generation X’ers are Better at Sexting vs. Millenials
For the first time in my dating career, my current love interest is a younger guy. He’s ridiculously sexy with brains and a sense of humour to match his good looks. (lately I’ve found myself going more for the “old salt types” with mixed results, so this new crush comes as a refreshing surprise!)
We were talking the other night, when he says to me “I like the messages you send me. You always seem to take the time to write proper responses. You say “You” instead of “U.” It comes across as very thoughtful.”
This is probably partly because I’m a writer and tend to be fairly verbose (even over text), however I also think it says something about our age gap.
Sex Match Maker
The generation gap between Millenials and their older Generation X counterparts is evident in every aspect of culture – including how they communicate while dating. Master Matchmaker Krystal Walter of Krystal Walter Professional Matchmaking has observed a wide range of dating habits, one of which is extremely popular as of late: sexting.
“Most people would assume that Millenials are automatically better sexters because they grew up with cell phones and technology around them,” explains Walter, “I would argue that Generation X’ers actually have a leg up on the Millenials” says Walter.
Although we haven’t quite ventured into the territory of sexting, as someone who identifies more as being part of Generation X than a Millenial, it doesn’t surprise me that the way I use technology to communicate is different than some of the younger women my love interest has dated.
As Krystal Walter explains, Millenials grew up in the digital age which means the depth of their online interaction tends to be shallower. Millenials are happy to send a quick 3 word text in lieu of a phone call, or simply swipe right to indicate their interested in a date. Full, fleshed out conversations have, for the most part, become foreign to them.
Up until mid-way through university, face to face, phone and handwritten communications were the norm. If you liked someone, you’d swap phone numbers and wait for one of you to make the first move and call. There was a certain patience there, something that’s kind of absent when it comes to dating and hooking up in the digital era.
As Walter notes, Generation X’ers thirst for real conversation is what Walter says sets them apart from the Millenials when it comes to sexting.
“Sexting is all about imagination, description, and connection,” Walter explains, “Many Millenials just don’t have the patience for this type of interaction. Nowadays, texting and mobile dating apps make it easy to just send photos back and forth. It’s very direct and tends to take away the playfulness of sexting.”
Between online dating and mobile apps, it’s even faster and easier to find dates and interact with them. However, Walter is careful to point out that this is where both Millenials and Generations X’ers could afford to slow down.
“Don’t let the conveniences of technology completely take over your love life,” Krystal warns, “if you’re sexting, make sure you are using it as a way of encouraging face-to-face interaction; that means leaving the not-so-subtly sexy selfies out of it and focusing on what you want to say in your texts.”
So, how do you send a good sext? Easy. Do as your mother taught you: use your words. Tell instead of show. A sext sent to the object your lust is meant to make them want more, not show them the whole package (literally.)
DO’s and DON’Ts of Sexting
Sometimes there is nothing sexier than sending a steamy text or photo to the person you’re getting naked with (or hope to get naked with!) Thanks to technology and the proliferation of smart phones, sexting seems to be more popular than ever. However, the flip side of this is that sexting is getting a lot of people in trouble. This past summer, New York politician Anthony Weiner was caught sexting behind his wife’s back for the second time after he sent a series of dirty texts to a woman named Sydney Leathers while using the pseudonym “Carlos Danger.” We couldn’t make this stuff up if we tried. When it comes to sexting, certain etiquette should be observed to avoid embarrassment and professional ruin of epic proportions. Here are a few things to keep in mind next time you get the urge to send a steaming sext or photo.
Don’t assume every woman enjoys receiving photos of your penis
Although some women think this is the hottest thing ever, err on the side of caution and hold off on the penis shots until she’s actually seen your penis in person. There’s nothing creepier than receiving a photo of a penis before you’ve actually met said penis. Give her a chance to get to know and like you and your penis in person before you turn it into a Kodak Moment. Which brings me to my second point…
Don’t have sext too soon
Just because someone gives you their phone number does not give you permission to automatically start sending them dirty texts and photos. You should take the time to make sure you trust the person that you’re hoping to sext with. If it doesn’t feel right, trust your gut and don’t do it! I have read stories about people sending naughty photos to someone they just met, only to have their photos end up on online porn sites. This has become such a huge problem that on Tuesday, California Gov. Jerry Brown signed a bill that banned so-called “revenge porn,” making it a crime punishable by a $1,000 fine or six months in jail to post naked photos of your ex. With that said, you should still be careful who you sext. Take a cue from “Carlos Danger” – once that information is out there, it’s out there and it can easily come back to bite you where it hurts.
Don’t drink and sext
A friend of mine told me a story about how after a night out and a few too many glasses of champagne, she decided to send a naughty sext and photo to the guy she had recently started seeing. However, she mistakenly sent the message to her platonic male friend – something she wouldn’t have noticed had he not replied back with a super awkward response along the lines of, “Has something changed between us that I wasn’t aware of?!” What if she had sent that message to her Mom or her boss? Even when you’re sexting sober, always triple check that you’re sending it to the right person.
Don’t use it as a substitute for the real thing
The instant gratification that comes from sexting can be addictive and a huge ego boost. However, too much sexting with not enough real live intimacy can actually hurt your relationship. When it becomes more about chasing that rush, instead of connecting with your partner, the intimacy of the relationship suffers. Consider sexting like the cherry on top of your Sunday – just a little something sexy to spice things up – and NOT the main event.