It’s 1 AM on a Saturday. Do you know where your phone is? You bet your sweet bippy you do, and you’re using it to send some bad texts. You’ve maybe had a few many martinis and you figure, “Hey, if Don Draper had a cell phone, he’d be doing the same thing.” Here are some drunk texts you should never send (but everyone has).

The text: “I Miss You.”
The recipient: Your ex.

A lot of these bad decision drunk texts are gonna involve an ex, because when we’re vulnerable, we like to go back to what’s familiar and comfortable. Look at you, all Draper-drunk, sobbing into your phone, splashing your cracked screen with tears. You know what else is cracked? Your heart. And you think that texting your ex a little “I miss you” will get them fired up to send back, “Me too, let’s get married, I’m sorry for everything.” It’s not gonna work.

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The text: “You’re a douche.”
The recipient: Your fuck buddy who blew you off.

It seems like a good idea — he blew you off, you’re steamed as steamed hams — why not let him know it? But don’t start a fire just because you like to watch things burn. There’s no reason to do this, especially when you’re this drunk. If you want to address someone who’s done you wrong, by all means go for it — when you’re sober, and less aggressive.

The text: “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey”
The recipient: Your crush.

They say the more “e’s” you use in “hey”, the more you like that person, and the drunker you are. The thing is though, by doing this, you’re showing your cards in a very sloppy manner. It’s totally cool to let someone you like know, but you should do it with pride and finesse. And what is this person going to do with a “Heeeeeeeeeey” at 4 AM? Your thought process is probably they’ll text you right back with, “Hey, I’m falling in love with you, come bang.” But that’s never what happens. What usually happens is they’ll either ignore you because they’re sleeping, they’ll poke fun at you for being drunk, or they’ll text back something like, “uh, hey” which leads to a very awkward text conversation.

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The text: “Fuck me now” or “;)” = the symbol for “fuck me now.”
The recipient: Anyone who is single and gave you their phone number.

Such a bad idea! Bad drunk you, bad! You have more dignity than that when you’re sober. Don’t disappoint sober you. Sure, maybe you’ll get laid, but at what price? It’s not worth it. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a drunken hookup, but again, it’s all about the finesse. And also, you need to be choosy about this. But when you’re drunk and lonely, you’ll go for whoever is in your phone. And that’s not sexy.

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Which drunken text mistakes have you made?


Photo via We Heart It.