For my very first contribution to this blog, I want to talk about a major building block of any human’s sexual lifestyle…


Do you like them? Why, yes, of course. How can you not? It’s like a celebratory sneeze from your nether regions. The culmination of an arousing journey. A reward for treating your body (or someone else’s) right. But is it the be-all and end-all of a successful sexcapade?

There seems to be a common feeling in our culture that an orgasm is the only acceptable grand finale of a sex session, whether it be solo or partnered. For many people, unfortunately, a sexual encounter has become about as formulaic as an old school Power Rangers episode: the monster shows up, the monster grows, the monster and the heroic machine duke it out until the monster explodes, life goes back to normal.

But what would happen if you *gasp* switched up the storyline?

Margaret Cho has a monologue in which she says: “It’s been my experience in having sex with some straight men that the sex is over when he gets off. And I don’t accept that. I want to have an orgasm. Like, if he has one, I want to have one. I’ll put a chalk board over the bed. 1:1.”

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I don’t completely disagree with her. If your partner is neglecting your need climax, especially after they’ve already had their own, then you have every right to demand attention where it is due.

But there is so much more to sex than such a basic plot line, and orgasms can play so many different roles in that story. They don’t have to be the conclusion. Hell, they could be the beginning, if you so desire. There might be multiple orgasms! There might also be no orgasms. And you know what? That’s okay. Some nights (or afternoons…or mornings…) you won’t be able get there. Maybe you’re too tired. Maybe you’ve drank too much. Maybe you came too recently. Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on your body to have an orgasm and therefore completely throwing off your mojo.

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In their book, “Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mindblowing Sex,” Babeland founders Claire Cavanagh and Rachel Venning compile a sex Bill of Rights, to help the reader get their priorities straight in the bedroom.  #4 on that list is “Own Your Own Orgasm.”

They state: “It’s not your job to ‘make your partner come.’  And no one ‘gives’ you an orgasm. Develop the skills and knowledge on your own to make yourself come. Then bring that knowledge to the bedroom and share it with another person.”

Orgasms are wonderful things. I hope you have many of them in your lifetime. But in my experience (and many big shot sex educators will back me up on this) if you force them, you’re taking a great deal out of the fun. If you relax, enjoy the journey (#3 on the Bill of Rights, by the way) and let them come (pun intended) on their own, I can promise you, your frolics will be much more refreshing.

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Lucas Brooks is a writer, performer, and sex educator livin’ it up (kinda) in New York City. He sells sex toys for a living (which is beyond awesome), and in his spare time records his observations of LGBT culture and sexuality. You can read his blog Top to Bottom and follow him on Twitter.

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