How to tell a date you're into kink
By Lottie Williams, Head of Content
Updated
Telling someone about a kink can feel like a big moment. It does not need to be. Said simply, at the right time, it is just another thing you like.
When to say it
Before anything physical happens, and once you have chatted enough to be comfortable. Not in the first message, and never in the middle of something. A drink, a message thread or a walk are all fine places.
On No Strings Dating, your profile can do some of the work: if you have said you are into BDSM or ticked "fetish (ask me)", the other person already knows there is a conversation to have.
How to say it
Plainly, and with a question at the end. "I am into being tied up. Is that something you would be up for, or curious about?" is clear, kind and easy to answer.
Do not apologise, and do not over-explain. Let them ask questions; curiosity is a good sign.
Yes, maybe or no
A yes means talk about limits and a safe word. A maybe means start small, or wait. A no means no, and that is fine: thank them for being honest and move on, or enjoy what you do share.
Words that help
A few openings that keep it light and leave room for an honest answer:
- "Can I tell you something I am into? You can say no, or ask anything."
- "I like being in charge. Is that something you would enjoy?"
- "I have always been curious about being tied up. Have you ever tried it?"
- "There is a fetish I really enjoy. Want to hear about it, or save it for another time?"
If you are the one being told
Thank them for trusting you with it. Ask questions if you are curious, and be honest if you are not. "That is not for me, but thank you for telling me" is a perfectly kind answer.
Never share what someone told you in confidence, with anyone. Discretion is part of the deal.
Matching first makes it easier
The easiest way to have this conversation is to have half of it before you meet. When both of your profiles say what you are into, the date starts from shared ground, and the question becomes what to try, not whether you can mention it.
When it is a deal-breaker
Sometimes a kink matters so much that a no means you are not right for each other. That is fine to say, kindly, and it is far better than pretending. Saying it early, on your profile and in chat, saves both of you time and makes it less personal for everyone.
Kink on No Strings Dating
No Strings Dating is kink friendly, not kink only. Your profile can say what you are into (BDSM, light bondage, role play, toys, fetish and more), your role (dominant, submissive or switch) and how experienced you are. A Kink and fantasy section goes further: your role in play, the dynamic you are after, the BDSM and fetishes you enjoy, and the clubs and events you go to. It only shows on your full profile, never on cards. Every answer is optional, and people who share them can find you.
It is a dating site, not a marketplace: offering or paying for sessions breaks our rules.
Quick answers
When should I tell a date about my kink?
Before anything physical, once you are comfortable chatting. Not in the first message.
What if they say no?
Respect it. Thank them for being honest, and either enjoy what you do share or move on.
Should I put it on my profile instead?
You can. Saying you are into BDSM, or ticking "fetish (ask me)", means the conversation is already half started.
What if I am embarrassed to bring it up?
Start with your profile: tick what fits and let it do the talking. In person, keep it short and end with a question. Most people are kinder than you expect.
Is it OK to ask a date what they are into?
Yes, once you are comfortable with each other and before anything physical. Ask openly, and accept whatever answer you get.
Should I tell them on the first date?
If anything physical might happen, yes, before it does. Otherwise, whenever you feel comfortable. Your profile can start the conversation for you.
What if they laugh?
Then they are not the right person. A kind no is fine; mockery is not, and you can close the chat with one tap.
How do I bring it up in messages?
Ask first: "Can I tell you something I am into?" Then keep it short, and leave room for questions or a no. Save the detail for when you both want it.
Does No Strings Dating show my kinks to everyone?
Only what you choose to put on your profile. Every answer is optional, and you can change them whenever you like.
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