Swinging and open relationships: a beginner's guide

The terms, in plain English

You will meet a lot of jargon. Here is what the common words usually mean.

• Ethical non-monogamy (ENM): the umbrella term for any relationship where partners openly agree that sex or romance with others is allowed.
• Swinging: couples having sex with other people, often together or in the same place, usually as a shared social and sexual activity.
• Soft swap: everything short of full sex with someone else. Full swap: full sex is allowed.
• Open relationship: partners can see other people, often separately, while staying each other's main partner.
• Polyamory: having more than one loving relationship at once. It is about feelings as much as sex.

Is this right for you both?

The best reason to open up is that you are both curious and your relationship is in good shape. The worst reasons are to fix a problem, to keep a partner who wants to leave, or because one of you feels pushed into it. If either of you is unsure, the answer for now is "not yet".

Be honest about what each of you wants. One of you may picture a playful night at a club, the other a regular lover elsewhere. Those are very different things, and it is better to find that out over a cup of tea than in the moment.

Agreements that actually work

Your agreements are the heart of it. Keep them clear, keep them few, and keep them yours. There is no right set of rules, only the ones you both say yes to.

• What is allowed: soft swap, full swap, together only, or separately too.
• Who is off limits: friends, colleagues, exes, anyone local.
• Protection and testing, every time, for everyone.
• How much you share afterwards: every detail, the headlines, or nothing at all.
• A veto: either of you can call a pause, with no blame. Our guide to safe words and negotiation shows how to agree one.
• A date to review it all, a few weeks after you start.

Dealing with jealousy

Almost everyone feels jealous at some point, even people who have been swinging for years. It is not a sign you have failed. It is a signal that something needs attention: maybe a need for reassurance, more time together, or a rule that needs adjusting.

Say it early, without blame. "I felt a bit left out when you went to the bar with them" is a conversation. Sulking for a week is a problem. Many people also find "compersion", the warm feeling of enjoying your partner's pleasure, grows with time and trust.

Clubs or online?

Swingers' clubs and adult parties give you a ready-made setting with house rules, and many people find the atmosphere friendlier than they expected. Most are welcoming to first-timers who just want to watch and chat. Read each venue's rules before you go, and stick to them.

Online is slower but more personal. You can chat first, meet for a drink, and only go further if everyone is keen. On No Strings Dating, profiles are for one person each, so each partner sets up their own. Set your relationship setup to "Ethically non-monogamous" or "Partner knows" (it only shows on your full profile) and pick "Threesome" or "Group fun" in what you are up for. Our guide to finding a third covers that side in detail.

How it works on No Strings Dating

Joining takes about a minute. You say who you are, who you want to meet and where you are, then pick your intention tags: the things you are up for, and the things you are not. Those tags sit on your profile, so nobody has to guess.

Before anyone can see you, you pass a quick age check with a selfie. Then you can browse by distance, by shared intentions, and by who has switched on Free tonight. When something clicks, send a quick opener on a tag you share. If the interest is mutual, the chat opens.

Sexual health

More partners means more reason to look after your health. Use condoms, agree as a couple what protection applies with others, and test regularly: after a new partner and every few months if you are active. In the UK, NHS sexual health clinics test for free and in confidence, and in the US the CDC's GetTested finder lists free and low-cost testing near you. Our Safety Centre lists free services in every country we serve, and there is more in our sexual health guide.

If you test positive for anything, tell your partner and anyone you have been with recently. It is uncomfortable, and it is the right thing to do.

Your first time out

Keep the first step small. A social night, a drink with another couple, or a club visit where you have agreed in advance that you will only watch is plenty. Arrive together, leave together, and stick to what you agreed in the car, even if the mood on the night says otherwise. You can always do more next time.

Have a quiet word with each other every so often during the evening. A squeeze of the hand or a quick "still good?" keeps you both on the same page. Afterwards, talk it through over breakfast: what you loved, what felt odd, and whether you want to change any of your rules.

Etiquette

The scene runs on a few simple manners, and people notice who keeps them.

• No means no, and so does a hesitation. Ask, do not assume.
• Approach couples as a couple, not one person in it.
• Discretion goes both ways: never share names, photos or stories.
• Stay sober enough to mean what you say.
• Be kind to your own partner first. They came with you, and they are going home with you.

Staying safe

Casual does not mean careless. A few habits make a big difference, and the site is built around them.

• Look for the red tick. Verified members have passed a photo and ID check.
• Meet somewhere public first, and use Safety check-in to tell a friend where and when.
• Keep the chat on the site until you are sure. Anyone who pushes you off it quickly, or asks for money, is someone to report.
• Close any chat that does not feel right. One tap, no explanations needed.
• Report anything odd. Reports are reviewed by a person, and every photo is checked before it goes live.

What it costs, in UK prices

Joining, building your profile and browsing are free. You pay only when you want to message, and you choose how long for.

Passes never renew. Plans that do renew send you a reminder first, and you can cancel in two taps. Payments show on your statement under a neutral company name.

The prices below are UK prices, in pounds. Wherever you are, our prices page shows them in your own currency.

• 24-hour pass: £1.99, perfect for a free night
• 1 week: £4.99
• 1 month: £9.99, the main plan
• 3 months: £19.99
• Women who verify get full membership free, for as long as they stay active

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