How to find a third: a guide for couples and singles

Start with the couple: are you both really in?

If you are a couple, the most important conversation happens before you look at a single profile. Both of you need to want this, not one of you going along with it. "Sure, if you want" is not enthusiasm. If one of you is hesitant, wait. A threesome cannot fix a relationship and can easily strain one.

Talk through the fantasy in detail. Who does what with whom? What is off limits? How will you feel watching your partner with someone else? Many couples find it helps to read up on swinging and open relationships first, because the same skills apply.

This is our in-depth guide to how to find a third, from agreements to aftercare. When you are ready to meet people, our threesome dating page shows how couples and singles find each other on No Strings Dating.

Agreements between the couple

Write a few things down if it helps. The point is that you agree them together, calmly, not mid-moment.

• What is on and off the table, for each of you.
• Protection, and whether it applies to everyone equally. Our sexual health guide has the basics.
• A signal either of you can use to pause or stop, no questions asked. Our guide to safe words and negotiation explains how.
• Whether it is a one-off, or something you might repeat with the same person.
• Whose place, or somewhere neutral, and whether anyone stays the night.

Respect for the third

In some circles, a single woman who joins couples is called a "unicorn", because she is rare and much sought after. The nickname is fine. The way some couples treat her is not. A third is not a toy for your relationship. They have their own wants, boundaries and right to leave at any point.

Good etiquette is simple. Talk to your third as an equal from the first message. Ask what they would like, not just what you would like them to do. Do not expect them to be equally into both of you. Never let them feel like the odd one out, in bed or over breakfast. And do not ask for exclusivity you would not offer yourselves.

If you are the single joining a couple

You are in a strong position, so use it. Ask both partners questions, and look for signs that both are keen: one partner doing all the talking is a yellow flag. Ask what their rules are, and say yours. Make sure you have your own way home, and that you can leave whenever you like.

Pay attention to how they treat each other. A couple who are warm and relaxed together is usually a couple who will be good to you.

Finding each other on No Strings Dating

Profiles are for one person each; there are no joint couple profiles. So if you are part of a couple, say so in the first line of your own words. Pick "Threesome" (or "Group fun") in what you are up for, and set your relationship setup to "Ethically non-monogamous" or "Partner knows". That answer only shows on your full profile, not on cards or in search.

If you are single, pick the same tags and browse by shared intentions. Quick openers on a tag you share make the first message easy, and chat only opens when the interest is mutual.

How it works on No Strings Dating

Joining takes about a minute. You say who you are, who you want to meet and where you are, then pick your intention tags: the things you are up for, and the things you are not. Those tags sit on your profile, so nobody has to guess.

Before anyone can see you, you pass a quick age check with a selfie. Then you can browse by distance, by shared intentions, and by who has switched on Free tonight. When something clicks, send a quick opener on a tag you share. If the interest is mutual, the chat opens.

The first meet

Meet for a drink somewhere public, all three of you, with nothing else promised. It is a chance to check the chemistry is real and that everyone feels comfortable. If it is not right, a friendly goodbye is a perfectly good outcome.

If you do go on somewhere, recheck the plan out loud before anything happens. Consent given in a chat earlier is not consent now. Anyone can change their mind at any point, and that includes either half of the couple.

Red flags, whichever side you are on

Most people looking for a threesome are lovely. A few patterns are worth walking away from.

• Only one half of a couple ever replies, or the other partner is "not ready to chat yet".
• Pressure to skip the drink and go straight to someone's home.
• Rules that change on the night, or that only ever apply to the third.
• Pushing to move to another app straight away, or any request for money.
• Anyone who brushes off a question about protection or testing.

Aftercare

Aftercare is the bit most people skip, and the bit that decides whether everyone remembers the night fondly. Make sure your third is comfortable, has a drink, and knows they are welcome to stay or go. A kind message the next day is basic good manners.

Couples: talk to each other the next day too. What did you love? Did anything sting? Small feelings dealt with early stay small.

Staying safe

Casual does not mean careless. A few habits make a big difference, and the site is built around them.

• Look for the red tick. Verified members have passed a photo and ID check.
• Meet somewhere public first, and use Safety check-in to tell a friend where and when.
• Keep the chat on the site until you are sure. Anyone who pushes you off it quickly, or asks for money, is someone to report.
• Close any chat that does not feel right. One tap, no explanations needed.
• Report anything odd. Reports are reviewed by a person, and every photo is checked before it goes live.

What it costs, in UK prices

Joining, building your profile and browsing are free. You pay only when you want to message, and you choose how long for.

Passes never renew. Plans that do renew send you a reminder first, and you can cancel in two taps. Payments show on your statement under a neutral company name.

The prices below are UK prices, in pounds. Wherever you are, our prices page shows them in your own currency.

• 24-hour pass: £1.99, perfect for a free night
• 1 week: £4.99
• 1 month: £9.99, the main plan
• 3 months: £19.99
• Women who verify get full membership free, for as long as they stay active

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