Your first hook-up: from first message to first meet
By Lottie Williams, Head of Content
Updated
A first hook-up is mostly nerves and logistics. The nerves are normal and usually fade within ten minutes of meeting. The logistics are easy once you have done them once. Here is the whole thing, from the chat to getting home, so nothing catches you out.
Agree the basics first
Before you meet, have one short, honest exchange about what you both want. Is this a drink to see if there is chemistry, or are you both hoping it goes further? Is it a one-off or the start of something regular? Is anything firmly off the table?
It feels awkward to type and saves enormous awkwardness later. Your intention tags will have done half the work already. You are just confirming that you both still mean it.
Something like this does the job: "Just so we are on the same page, I would love a drink and see how we get on. If it clicks, great; if not, no hard feelings." It is honest, it takes the pressure off, and it gives the other person room to say what they want too.
Where to meet first
Always somewhere public for the first few minutes: a bar, a pub, a hotel bar. It lets you both check that the person matches the photos and the chemistry is real, and it gives either of you an easy exit. Forty minutes and a drink is plenty.
If it is going well, decide together where to go next: their place, yours, or a hotel. Look at what they said about hosting, and think about whether you want a stranger knowing your address yet. Somewhere neutral is a good choice for a first time. Whatever happens next happens in private, never anywhere the public could see.
Tell someone where you are
Use Safety check-in. You tell us who you are meeting, where and when, and send the link to a friend. If you have not checked in by the time you chose, we nudge you, and your friend can see whether you have. It takes a minute and it means someone always knows.
Keep your own way home sorted, keep your phone charged, and stay in control of your drink. Our Safety Centre has more on meeting someone new.
Nerves are normal
Almost everyone is nervous the first time, including people who look confident in their photos. It is fine to say so. "I have not done this before" is disarming, and it usually makes the other person relax too.
Go easy on the drink. A glass for courage is one thing, but being clear-headed makes everything better, including the bit you are nervous about.
It also helps to remember that nothing has to happen. You are meeting to see whether you like each other in person. If you do, brilliant. If you do not, you have had a drink with someone new and learned what a first meet feels like, which makes the next one much easier.
Consent and checking in
Agreeing to meet for a hook-up is not agreeing to everything, or to anything in advance. Consent is a clear yes to what is actually happening, given freely by someone sober enough to mean it, and it can be taken back at any moment. In England and Wales the law describes it as agreeing by choice, with the freedom and capacity to make that choice; someone who is very drunk may not have that capacity.
In practice it is simple. Ask, watch and listen. "Is this good?" and "Do you want to...?" are not mood killers. If the answer is anything other than a yes, stop. And you can stop too, at any point, without explaining.
Talking about what you like
First times with someone new go better with a bit of talking. You do not need a negotiation, just the odd "I love it when..." or "Is this OK?" It helps you both enjoy it, and it makes it easy to steer away from anything that is not working.
If you have something more adventurous in mind, mention it before you meet rather than in the moment, and take a no gracefully. If kink is part of it, our guide to safe words and negotiation is worth a read first.
Protection
Bring condoms yourself rather than relying on the other person, and mention them before things get going: "I have brought condoms" is a perfectly sexy sentence. Agreeing to sex with a condom is not agreeing to sex without one, and in England and Wales removing a condom without agreement can be prosecuted as rape.
If a condom splits or slips, act quickly. Emergency contraception and, after a possible HIV exposure, PEP both work best the sooner you start; our guide to one night stands explains where to get them, and our sexual health guide covers testing.
The morning after, or the night after
If you stay over, a cup of tea and an easy goodbye is all the etiquette you need. If you go home, a short message later is a nice touch: "Thanks for tonight, I had a great time." It costs nothing and leaves the door open if you both want it.
If you would like to see them again, say so simply. If you would not, a kind "lovely to meet you, take care" is better than silence.
If it does not go well
Sometimes the chemistry is not there. That is fine: finish your drink, say it was nice to meet them, and leave. You do not owe anyone more time than you want to give.
If someone made you uncomfortable, ignored a boundary or was not who they said they were, close the chat and report them. Reports are read by a person. If anything happened that you did not agree to, it is not your fault, and free, confidential support is listed on our Safety Centre.
Staying safe
Casual does not mean careless. A few habits make a big difference, and the site is built around them.
- Look for the red tick. Verified members have passed a photo and ID check.
- Meet somewhere public first, and use Safety check-in to tell a friend where and when.
- Keep the chat on the site until you are sure. Anyone who pushes you off it quickly, or asks for money, is someone to report.
- Close any chat that does not feel right. One tap, no explanations needed.
- Report anything odd. Reports are reviewed by a person, and every photo is checked before it goes live.
What it costs, in UK prices
Joining, building your profile and browsing are free. You pay only when you want to message, and you choose how long for.
Passes never renew. Plans that do renew send you a reminder first, and you can cancel in two taps. Payments show on your statement under a neutral company name.
The prices below are UK prices, in pounds. Wherever you are, our prices page shows them in your own currency.
- 24-hour pass: £1.99, perfect for a free night
- 1 week: £4.99
- 1 month: £9.99, the main plan
- 3 months: £19.99
- Women who verify get full membership free, for as long as they stay active
Quick answers
Where should I meet for a first hook-up?
Somewhere public first, like a bar or a hotel bar, for a drink. If it goes well you can decide together where to go next.
Should I tell someone I am meeting a hook-up?
Yes. Tell a friend where and when, or use Safety check-in so a friend can see whether you have checked in.
How do I bring up condoms with a hook-up?
Simply and early, ideally before you meet or before things get going. Saying you have brought some is enough.
Is it OK to change my mind on a hook-up?
Always. Consent can be withdrawn at any point, before or during, and you never owe anyone an explanation.
What do you say after a hook-up?
A short, warm message such as "thanks for tonight, I had a great time" is plenty. If you do not want to meet again, a kind goodbye is better than silence.
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